UCF Bankrupt – Student Union A/C Bill to Blame

UCF’s financial advisors are scrambling after realizing the air conditioning in the student union had been set too low all year. The university, now with dwindling coffers, is developing a plan. “I always thought it was a little chilly, but I never would have guessed that it was accidental. I assumed a cold Union was one of the areas my tuition covered” remarked one student.

With little time and less money, the UCF financial team turned to the student senate for action. One of the advisors, who wishes to remain nameless, stated: “We figured if we let them decide, it makes them feel involved. Real mock government you know; recovering when things go wrong.”

UCF’s Student Senate held deliberations over the situation which included heated arguments over how to handle the crisis. One student senator elaborated, “Honestly our main focus right now is not on the efficacy of the bill proposed, but on making sure the best font, grammar, and punctuation are used. It’s exciting when we can come together as a legislative body and really hammer out an official looking bill. Besides, debate isn’t much fun anyways — too much thinking and confrontation.”

“We’ve got some options” says Joseph Conte, who sits on the board. “We’re thinking about exploring fundraising opportunities such as bucketing. That’s something all the kids are doing and it seems rather hip.” Other methods mentioned included a soda pong tournament between the Greek organizations with a $50 in, converting the Global UCF building to a hotel, and increasing the prices on scantrons in the vending machines.

Fears were also brought up that construction may be delayed on the library expansion due to budgetary demands caused by the cool union. “We’ve always been sort of proud of being ‘Under Construction Forever,’ but this situation has us pretty bummed out” elaborated trustee Keith Koons after a dejected sigh.

In the meantime, the Student Government Association has invoked a secret clause putting the Student Union under martial law, which includes placing ROTC members at each door to guard the handicap feature and monitor how long the doors remain open. “You’re letting out all the air,” snapped one young cadet.

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