Unexpected news came earlier this week that UCF junior Chris Winehart, majoring in anthropology, has made the shocking discovery that native americans may have once lived on the very same lands that students currently call UCF campus. “I was just reading the PowerPoint slides for this test in a couple minutes, and I started noticing some dates just weren’t adding up. The earth is suppose to be 4-5 billion years old, and America is only a little under 250 years old, right? It got me thinking. Something MUST have happened between this time.” Winehart was able to conclude after further research and 3 subsequent watchings of Night At the Museum, that native americans did indeed exist on the same lands we tread on.
After leak of this discovery hit up-and-coming blog site wikipedia, FSU’s president John Thrasher immediately took action. “Look we’ve known this all along. That land is seminole country- I can feel it in my blood. Your leader John C. Hitt has 48 hours to relinquish control or I’m sending my personal football army.
Since then UCF campus officials have been in overdrive mode assembling a defensive plan. UCF President Hitt stated “Look everyone remain calm. I didn’t just hire Scott Frost to be a football coach. We brought him to UCF in case something like this occurred. I’m 99% certain this guy has got special forces training.”
Others have been attempting to prove allegations that this may be seminole land wrong. Assistant professor Scott Banting of the Anthropology department stated “Look, wikipedia is not a valid source. I don’t know why I have to say this so much. I don’t have time for this, can you come to my office hours?”
When asked for further comment President Hitt stated. “Look, for every frat guy they throw at us, we’ve got two. Every self proclaimed instagram model? We’ve got plenty of those as well. Whatever they want to Hitt™️️ us with, we’re gonna beat them in numbers- they can’t take all of us.”
Hitt was last seen walking up to the fourth floor of the student union, glancing over his shoulders, and pressing a small red button before disappearing behind a rotating bookcase.