The Nicholson School of Communication has teamed up with the publishing company Readers of Tomorrow to announce a new lineup of children’s books with overtly adult themes.
Titles include The Promiscuous Pear, a book about the dangers of unprotected sex from the point of view of a personified fruit, and the recently released Camron’s Cocktails, a short story about a fraternity member named Camron who is learning how to properly make drinks suitable for pre-games to the local college bars. The book’s plot follows the tumultuous social life of Camron as he attempts to plan the perfect pre-game, while also making sure the drinks don’t taste like hand sanitizer and gasoline. Camron matures as a character as he learns that the proper way to make a martini is to shake it, and the story finishes with him throwing ‘the most lit ass pre of all time.’
Literacy rates within the Greek community have always been a concern for the university, but this new partnership has shown tremendous promise. Studies conducted by the University’s College of Education and Human Performance have indicated that Camron’s Cocktails has single handedly tripled the literacy rate of on campus Greek houses from 23% to an unironic 69%.
Students in the Greek community are now speaking in full sentences with varying complexity, and using vocabulary beyond that of their paleolithic predecessors. One student reported that a brother of the Sigma Nu fraternity was heard speaking not only confidently, but articulately about Donald Trump’s foreign policy experience. Only days before, our source claims, the same Signa Nu brother was heard struggling to stutter out the phrase ‘It was lit’ when asked about his weekend.
Camron’s Cocktails has had a noticeable impact on literacy and academic achievement within the Greek Community. However, this does come at a cost: the prices of drinks at Knight’s Library have increased now that the bar staff knows the correct proportions of a whisky sour.