The upcoming new year is proving to be a big year for scooters – literally.
With Black Friday and Christmas already having come and gone, companies are ever increasingly looking to appeal to college-bound twentysomethings. This scrutiny has especially closed in on college campuses that have a vibrant culture of students traveling between classes with a simple apparatus (including UCF), as companies look to expand the buying potential of their merchandise to foolish millennials.
“Razor has really been dropping the ball,” said Huffy spokesman Wesley Chase. “They’ve had the same smurf-sized wheels on their scooters for years, and they’ve done little to develop their products over time. What we’re doing with our products that you’ll see, come summer of 2017, is really going to resonate with college students.”
Chase argues that the scooters with tiny wheels commonly sold by Razor®, one of Huffy’s competitors, are unfit for use on college campuses because it’s “useless to get around on,” and that “if a dude has small scooter wheels, you know what that means, right? Nobody wants to give that impression.”
Reportedly, the onset of bad consumer sentiment about small wheels has prompted many major economists to announce that most companies will be forced to evolve their products into something more appealing for the public. By slowly increasing the size of the wheels sold on their scooters by 15% annually, Huffy promises to deliver a product that, according to their website, will permanently banish Razor® scooters to the useless novelty section in Urban Outfitters.
“I’m on board all the way,” said UCF student Kelsey Marrón, a self-admitted Razor® scooter rider. “It takes me ten painstaking minutes to cross Memory Mall with my Razor, so if I could shorten that commute to two minutes like skateboards are capable of, maybe that’d make my decision to even use a scooter in the first place worthwhile.”
Though the in-development Huffy® MonsterWheel™ Scooter will be marketed primarily for children ages 8+, investors view the product as a breakthrough into the ages 18+ skateboard and scooter market, according to Chase.
“As students switch from using longboards to our new scooters, our analysts also predict that collisions will decrease tenfold,” Chase added.